Hose 'er over!!!

Every so often, something dumb gets formulated in my head and heads straight to my mouth and out, before I can do anything about it.

The other day, I was heading to a show with Bonz, and in my much-practised backwoods voice, I blurted out, "Hose 'er over!!!"  Bonz spit out his coffee.  This saying is multi-faceted.  It may be used in almost any situation, and could mean just about anything that you want it to mean.

Here are some examples (please view the videos):


"When you get done with that, hose 'er over here."

"Hose 'er over so I can get by, would ya?"

"I'll get a pint of Keith's, and maybe you can hose 'er over an order of nachos, would ya?"

"The truck gave out on me so I had to hose 'er over til Darryl got here with his tools."

"Timmy, where's your mother at?  She hosed 'er over to the liquor store again, didn't she?"

"I'm all done doing my shit so I'll just hose 'er over until you get here."  

13 Ways to Ensure That You’re a Dick While Driving

1.  Do not disrupt your phone call.  Just merge, with no signal, and expect that everyone understands how important you are.  You've got the right of way.    

2.  Turn your stereo up as loud as possible and roll all your windows down.  You are a pimp with a reclined seat.

3.  Sit your ass in the passing lane when you aren't passing.  Make sure that you drive the same speed as the car in the lane next to you.  When you are a few metres from your exit, merge your sexiness all the way over.  Anyone honks, fuck 'em.  You've got the right of way.   

4.  While tying up the passing lane, feel free to engage in other activities, such as text messaging, yelling at your kids or picking your nose.  Slow yourself down to about 20 km/h below the speed limit, so that you may better focus on your activity.  

5.  You are about to miss a turn.  Stop immediately.  Wait for everyone to stop and figure out what the fuck you're doing.  Then make your turn.  Do not signal.  You've got the right of way.

6.  You just realized that you missed your turn.  Stop immediately and make a U-turn, regardless of anyone around you.  It's best to do this in an intersection where pedestrians and other vehicles are at greater risk of getting in your way.  You are the shit.  You have the right of way, especially if you drive a Range Rover or BMW.   

7.  Are you done with it?  Just toss it out the window.  Let the world be your garbage can.  God will take it away as easy as it was created.  

8.  Get the fattest, loudest exhaust system on that Civic and make sure you leave it running in front of your neighbour's house, while you grab a shit, shower and shave at 3 a.m.  Leave your loud girlfriend and her tow trucker mouth in the car, windows down, yapping on her cell and texting on her blackberry, while polluting the neighbour’s yard with cigarette butts.  This is an opportune time to show off your system and new subwoofers because your neighbours just wish they were as ballin’ as you.  Drive that bitch away like a Ferrari.  You have the right of way. 

9.  Always tailgate the car in front of you.  Make the fucker move over.  It's your lane.  Nobody drives in front of you.  One day you will be comfy in a Range Rover or BMW.  

10.  Unlike everyone else who is stuck in traffic, you don’t have time for it and you don’t enjoy it.  Use any on and off ramps, or shoulders, to move ahead of everyone else.  It’s okay because you are extremely important and have shit to do.  And, you have the right of way.  

      11. That “No Stopping” sign is for everyone but you.  Stop your ass wherever and whenever it’s most convenient for you, you ballin’ motha.  Just turn on your four-way flashers because you don’t want anyone rear-ending your BMW or Range Rover or C-class Mercedes.

      12. If another car signals to get into your lane, do not ease up on the accelerator.  Do whatever you can to make sure that car does not get in front of you.  You are a pimp and nobody disses you like that.

13.  You just got your license.  Pick up your buddies and drive around like you've been doing it all your life.  Annoy anyone who dares to pull up beside you.  Act like a bunch of idiots to let everyone know of your dick convention.  The world needs to know that the newest dick is now licensed.  



As evident in the photo below, though actual parking spots are about 20m away, you can make your own parking spot when you drive a Range Rover.  

  

The Divide

23 years of war, and after approximately 2 million deaths, we now have an independent North and South Sudan.  Thank God that it was between two "peaceful" religions.