Government and shit...

So tired of these yahoos offering everything and producing nothing.  If you don't have, you can't spend.  Want more services?  The government needs more income.  There is no way around this.  Hence, you will experience increases in taxes, user fees, and anything else they can gouge you for so that you can have your neighbourhood swimming pool open seven days a week.  Many people today expect everything for nothing.  It doesn't work like that.  If you can balance a cheque book, you will understand this.  If you need a loan so that you can purchase the newest version of the iPad, you probably won't.  Read the platforms of each candidate and make a wise decision.  Further, and most importantly, make yourself be heard if the elected doesn't keep his or her campaign promises.  Re-electing a liar makes us look like a bunch of fools.  Electing someone who doesn't commit to anything produces the same effect. 

It's just the way that I see it...

It's been a while...

...since I've been around.  I've started half a dozen blog entries, but have yet to finish any of them.  It was a busy summer filled with chillin', partying, and awesome concerts, which you can view at www.youtube.com/user/johnnygetdown

Anyhow, I've got tons of shit on my mind but I have had trouble getting it on here.  So, I've decided to get on here and spew some randoms, paying no regards to parameters or guidelines, or having any sort of game plan.  Here goes...


1.  Ever have those friends who disappear when they are in a relationship and suddenly pop up when that relationship didn't work out?  You are friend filler.

2.  Having multiple items on my plate, I typically like to eat a bit of everything, leaving a bite of each at the end.  This may be a bit fucked up, but that's how I like it. 

3.  Most items that I purchase usually get discontinued because a "better" version gets released not long afterwards.  Fuck, I hate it when that happens.

4.  Ever notice that your toaster works much slower when you're stoned?

5.  When the fuck did reggae "progress" into electronic music with a random "yo" or "yeah" thrown in with a Jamaican accent?

6.  And what's with everyone featuring everyone else on their music?  Me ft. My Dick!! 

7.  I hate seeing my favourite bands hitting the casino circuit.

8.  Whatever happened to unsliced bagels?  My bagel slicer has been rendered useless.

9.  Why does McDz shut down their ice cream machine at 3 a.m.?  That is the best time for a friggin' McFlurry, for fuck's sake!

10.  I have yet to write a song with a bridge in it.

11.  What happened to the guy with the movie about the polar bears and icebergs? 

12.  I really feel like shooting a parachute army guy off my balcony right now.  

Peter Frampton - Black Hole Sun instrumental (live at Molson Amphitheatr...

Why Are People Throwing Their Dirty Looks At You And Making You Feel Like A Dick?

So, you've been noticing that people are throwing their dirty looks at you, or flipping you the bird, or even giving you a straight out "Fuck you!!!".  You have no idea why.  Hear are some possibilities...

You are out in public and your phone rings.  Keep in mind that you are out in public.  The public is not part of your conversation.  Shut your trap if you can't keep your voice down.  People are hating you right now.

There's a parking spot opening up.  You are too busy texting or talking on your phone, while maneuvering your BMW or Rover, that you don't notice the other driver who has been waiting patiently, signal on, for that spot.  You smoke it, head first, into that spot. People will tell you off because of it.  They are not jealous of your car.  They think that you're a dick.

Your kids are out of control and you are screwing around on your cell, reading a book, taking a video of them being "cute", or ignoring them.  People are not giving you a straight face because they're "cute".  Be a parent and stop pissing people off.

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  You're the first one on the plane!  Why are people giving you the pissy face?  Because you're the last one to sit your ass down and free up the aisle so they can get by, you friggin' dick.

In your head, you extend the advanced green light by a few seconds because you really need to make that left instead of waiting your turn.  You have just made a left turn on an advanced dick.  Go park your BMW and fuck off.  Your neighbourhood thinks you're a dick. 

You are in an elevator that smells like fart or awful body odour.  Whether it is yours or not, the next person on thinks you're a dick.  Check your pits. 

After work, you pick up some street meat on a bun, loaded with onions and other smelly shit, and decide to eat it while taking the jammed, rush hour bus home.  You are an asshead.  Your dirty dinner smells and is spilling its load all over others while you try to balance yourself on the bus, while stuffing your pie hole.  Dicks like you should work from home. 

You are in a lineup for a concession stand.  You have ample time to scope the menu and decide what you want, before you get to the counter.  But, you opt to chat with your buddy, or fuck around on your phone, and wait til you get to the counter until you have a look at the menu.  You need to order a dickburger and choke on it because everyone behind you would love that.

Why are your feet up on a public chair?  You know exactly what you are.

You are in the first row of a performance and opt to stand.  Did you learn that in dick school?  Are you part of the performance?  You must be a fan of Dick Clark.  Sit the fuck down.   Your ass is fat.  It should not be shaking like that.  We can't see around it.   




  

Lindsay Lohan Goes Back To Con College!!!

Lindsay Lohan

  It's her fourth trip to the can.  Might she be the next Trailer Park Boy?  Her numbers suggest it, but I don't think that she's there yet.  Ricky (bottom left) would advise her to stick to smaller crimes in greater quantities.  According to Ricky, she would have been better off to steal one hundred $25 necklaces than one necklace worth $2500.

Get your shit together, LiLo.  Or, get yourself decent representation next time you fuck shit up...


Ricky goes to the bar and gets off...I mean, he goes to court and gets acquitted on all charges.  Fuck!!!  Just click here!!

Ricky

Little Johnny and his Train Set

One day, little Johnny was playing with his train set, in the living room.  The train pulled out of the station, drove around the track, and stopped at the station again. 

"Everybody getting on the fuckin' train, get on the fuckin' train.  Everybody getting off the fuckin' train, get off the fuckin' train", screamed little Johnny.

Once again, the train pulled out of the station, went around the track and again, little Johnny exclaimed, "Everybody getting on the fuckin' train, get on the fuckin' train.  Everybody getting off the fuckin' train, get off the fuckin' train".

His mom, overhearing this, stormed into the living room and commanded, "Johnny, you go to your room and think about what you said!!!”

So, Johnny went to his room for the next hour.  His mom finally went up to check on him.  He assured her that he had thought about things, so she allowed him to go back to playing with his train set.

The train pulled out of the station, drove around the track, and stopped at the station again.  This time Johnny called out, "Everyone getting on the train, please get on the train.  Everyone getting off the train, please get off the train.  Anyone who's got a problem with us being late, talk to the fuckin' bitch in the kitchen". 

Four Silly Donkeys-Continued

So, the House of Nonsense shut down since nobody wanted to play anymore.  The prime minister silly donkey, Harpo, hung his head in shame as he visited the governor general's office to let him know that everyone took their toys and went home.  So, a vote was announced for the beginning of May.  It was up to the other animals to decide which of the donkeys would take over as the prime minister. 
It was time to "campaign".  This meant that they would go from one end of the field to the other, and try to sway the animals to vote for them.  They had ridiculous promises that they called "platforms".  During the campaign, they would heckle each other, kiss random baby animals, and act like they actually cared for the field.  Harpo stuck to his guns, claiming that the field needed to reduce taxes for multinational farmers so that they would come here and grow more carrots.  The problem with this was that the multinationals didn't have any loyalty to the field.  They would go wherever it was cheapest to grow carrots.  Most had gone to a field called China because they could grow lots of carrots and pay very little of those carrots out to the animals.  As well, he spent much of his campaign making fun of Iggy and ignoring Jacko.  Jacko promised lots of carrots to everyone, not really considering who would grow them.  He also promised to "fix" the House of Nonsense.  He really wished that the other silly donkeys would take him more seriously.  Trying to steal Jacko's few voters, Iggy promised that he would do everything that Jacko would do, and continued to kiss baby animals and criticize Harpo.  Frenchie had his saw out, ready to separate his part of the field.  Finally, there was a new player named Greeny.  She wanted to build clouds and make it rain so that the field could have lots of rainbows.  And, she wanted to legalize weed and tax it, so that all the animals can get stoned and be happy with clouds and rainbows and not worry about carrots anymore.  Greeny had a small following, even less than Jacko, and she wasn't popular enough to be allowed into the House of Nonsense.  She really wanted to get in there.

to be continued     

Things I Have Noticed Lately

I've noticed that payphones are slowly disappearing.  And, if you do find one, some sketch is using it in place of a home phone.

There seems to be a growing trend to re-pronounce the word "negotiate".  Initially, it was Ann Rohmer, of CP24 news, who made me cringe when she attempted to "nee-GO-see-ate" the proper pronounciation of this word.  Recently, Stephen Harper pulled that shit during a press conference.  Fuck, that pisses me off.

I've noticed that Starbucks customers cannot enjoy a coffee and do nothing else.  I feel awkward sitting down without a laptop.

These days, young men spit more than ever.  If they aren't grabbing their nuts, they're spitting.
 
Media tends to throw around the term "Breaking News" a bit too loosely.  A report that we may get a green Christmas does not make for "Breaking News", in my opinion.  

Why are more and more people driving like a cabbie in Bangladesh?  

Texting seems to be quite popular today, as opposed to actually calling someone.  What will be the next trend?  Smoke signals?  Messenger pigeons? 

The more television channels that I have, the less there is to watch. 

The Boys Are Back In Town (live)

Four Silly Donkeys-Part One

Once upon a time, there was a big field full of animals.  In that field, there were four silly donkeys named Iggy, Jacko, Frenchie, and Harpo.  They represented the other animals at the House of Nonsense.  Under them were smaller donkeys who represented smaller areas of the farm.  These donkeys were called the Members of Parliament.  Their job was to govern the field and represent all the other animals.  They typically wouldn't do all that much, other than go to the House of Nonsense and cheer or jeer the four silly donkeys, and each other.  They would argue about all sorts of things, but nothing ever seemed to get accomplished at the field.
The animals all just wanted a big, green, beautiful field with lots of carrots.  Typically, the carrots were grown by farmers.  They were called businessmen.  Some of the farmers cultivated on many other farms.  These farmers were known as multinational corporations.  These farmers were very powerful.  Some animals almost saw them being much more powerful than the four silly donkeys.
The four silly donkeys were always upset with each other and constantly fought for control of the House of Nonsense.  Harpo believed that they should give incentives to farmers so that more would be attracted to the field, providing more jobs for the animals.  Jacko wanted to tax the shit out of all the farmers and the animals who were working hard, so that all animals could have equal share of the carrots, regardless of their contribution.  Frenchie just wanted to put a fence around his region and segregate it from the rest of the farm.  And Iggy wasn't really sure what he wanted, but thought it may be a good idea to have no ideas. 
Years earlier, the farm animals had voted for Harpo to run the House of Nonsense.  The animals believed that Harpo was the donkey who would bring more farmers to the field, hence producing more jobs.  Frenchie continued to work on the fence.  Jacko was pissed off.  And Iggy, well, he was just confused and not sure if he was sticking around the field much longer or returning to a field just south, where he had previously spent a large chunk of his life.
One day, Harpo upset the other silly donkeys by paying no attention to them.  He believed that their ideas were not to the benefit of the field.  So, they ganged up on him and held a vote.  They, and their Members of Parliament, voted that Harpo and his Members of Parliament were not up to running the House of Nonsense.  His ideas were not nonsense worthy.  So, they all got sucky and walked out of the house.


To be continued...

Grad rate up to 81%, McGuinty says | Canada | News | Toronto Sun

Click here to read the article 

Before I get into my rant, I hope that you will all read the article and, in particular, the comments.  I couldn't help but laugh reading through them.  

I would really like to know if anyone actually believes that this crap means anything. It is about time that parents sit the fuck down and let teachers, and the education system, do their jobs properly.
I really don't think that it is important to graduate everyone. Hard work and dedication should be the only means to such a reward.  I've spent years in the Ontario education system and have seen, firsthand, how society is being dummied down. Parents have to realize that when little Johnny doesn't get an A+, it is not the fault of the teacher, in most cases.  Little Johnny has to be held accountable for his actions.  That should be one of the most important lessons that he learns.  Parents are not doing any good by defending their child in every instance. When little Johnny doesn't study, and doesn't care to, the result should reflect this. We should not adjust curriculum or adjust school policies to ensure that little Johnny graduates with exceptional grades.  That's his responsibility.  That's just the way I see it. 

Things That 1987 Didn't See Coming

Cell Phones
If 1987 was out, that meant it was too busy to talk.  If there was an emergency, it would stop at a phone booth.

Phone Features
1987 had none.  If it were on the phone, those calling would get a busy signal.  Call waiting did not exist and they could not leave a message on the voice mail.  If they really needed to talk to 1987, they'd call back until they got through.  I guess that was like a calling feature in itself, filtering out those who really didn't need to speak to it.
 
Heated Seats
1987 was lucky to have heat in the car.  Needed a warm ass?  1987 would tell you to stay home.

Cost of Smokes
A $2 bill would get 1987 a large pack of smokes, a large coffee, and it would still get some change.  And, it was able to smoke in hospitals, colleges and universities, restaurants and bars, and in the workplace.

Tim Horton's Expansion
1987 would have put its money on Country Style Donuts.  They were on every corner and had better coffee.  They still have better coffee but people don't pay attention because that's what "effective" marketing does. 

Internet
1987 had a search engine but you had to go to your neighbourhood library.  It was called the Dewey Decimal System.  Sending an email was a long process.  It would involve a pen and paper, maybe a typewriter, an envelope and stamps.  Delivery was a bit slower, and not always dependable or accurate.  1987's version of Facebook expected you to get out of the house and see your friends.  The only wall you might have written on was the bathroom wall at the coffee shop that you and the guys hung out at every night.   
 
Health and Nutrition
1987 would not believe the amount of people belonging to a gym or taking yoga lessons today.  1987 was all about fast food and awesome preservatives that kept twinkies fresh forever.  

Drinking and Driving
In 1987, the person who was the least drunk, was the designated driver.


Power windows as standard equipment
1987 would not understand why every car today thinks it's a Cadillac.

Autotuner
1987's version of autotuner was practice and vocal coaching.  Now you can sing like an idiot and a machine will fix your shitty voice.

MP3 players
1987 wants to know where the tape is at.  Where the fuck is the music coming from?  And when did Walkmans get so small? 


Faux hawks
1987 would give itself a faux hawk in the shower to see what a mohawk might look like.  But, it would not dare to bring that shit out on the street. 

Baggy pants
1987 wants to taper your pyjamas and get you a pair of suspenders or a belt.  Pick that shit up cause you're gonna trip on it.

George Michael's arrest
He did what, where?

Honda Civic
1987 could never give up its Mustang or Camaro to mod up these rust buckets.  

Greatest Scams of All Time

Double Toilet Paper Roll
Have you noticed that the double roll is about the size of the single roll, before the double roll was introduced?  The only thing that has doubled is the price. 

Woman's Liberation
A nice way of increasing government tax revenue by 100%.  What they failed to promote was that men should be able to stay home and raise the kids while mom went off to work.  So, both are now working.  Disposable income goes up.  Economics 101 kicks in.  Demand for goods increases, supply increases, and results in higher overall prices for goods and services.  Years later, we are no better off than we were when most households had one working parent.  The only difference is that we're all too busy working and don't have time for our families.

Self-Serve Checkouts 
Great idea if you are the bottom line of the company.  Otherwise, you lose.  Now, they only need to employ one staff member to watch over eight or so checkout terminals.  If prices stay the same, the consumer is worse off, paying the same price for a lesser service.  And, the company has put seven checkout clerks out of the workforce.  This leads to my next couple points.

Globalization and Sovereignty
Notice that the larger nations are getting bigger while promoting sovereignty everywhere else?  Divide and conquer, maybe?  I wonder what would happen if Texas wanted to separate.  But, don't think this has anything to do with government.  You can blame these huge, hungry corporations who are always looking for a way to increase price and decrease costs.  On to the next point.

Illuminati and the New World Order
Do you think that Nike, Sony, Apple and the like want you to know what's really going on?  The Illuminati is nothing more than a weak group of political leaders, who are the puppets in a corporate movement to control trade, by taking away trade barriers so they can produce cheap, in third world countries, while selling their expensive logos to us at a jillion percent markup.  Big corporations are the bad guys and we fuel them when we purchase their junk at astronomical prices.  Factories, that once employed a comfortable middle class, have been torn down to build big box retail stores that sell brand name stuff, produced overseas.  And, they employ people at a meager wage, diminishing the middle class who worked hard to build a bit of equity for their retirement, and growing a lower class that dreams of consolidating their debt and having bus fare to get to their job.     


King Size Chocolate Bars
If you grew up in the 70s, you know that these are the size of a regular chocolate bar from back in the day.  Yeah, the ones that sold for a quarter.

Bottle Service
I'm paying what for a bottle of Smirnoff and have to make my own drink?  Just so I can sit on the asshead side, away from the commoners?  

Magic Trick

See the pie? 

Now you don't!!!

TA DA!!!!!!!!!

Best Bachelor Inventions and Innovations

Remote control:  Some of you won't remember the days when televisions had dials for changing channels.  Yes, you had to get up, walk to the TV, and change the channel.  The progress was great.  They then gave us a box with push buttons for each channel, and a cord running it to the TV.  The first wireless control had four buttons: On/Off, Channel up, Channel Down, and Volume.  It may not seem like much today, but in the eyes of an 11 year old bachelor to be, it was a window to what the future had to hold. 



Microwave Oven:  Anything that is worth eating can be cooked in a microwave.  Bacon and eggs in under 2 minutes.  Stress free cooking while you're doing the triple S (shit, shower, shave).  A true bachelor's kitchen is in his garage, or living room, and consists of a microwave and beer fridge. 







Online dating:  Are you kidding me?  This is the shit.  No need to get out of your jammies.  No need to bring your wing man along.  No need to get off the couch.  And, you can still pretend that you're a heart surgeon who drives a Ferrari to his summer home every weekend. 










The Roomba:  If you can actually convince your online sweetie to come over, you'd better clean up.  You could sit back and pull your goalie to some awesome porn, go to the liquor store to pick up your favourite liquid panty remover, or hustle that dating site a bit more, while this baby works some magic.

Faux grass:  Just like the real stuff without the mowing or watering. 











Online shopping/banking/etc.:  Having to put on pants, take a shower, comb your hair, find your wallet, walk out to the car, drive to the mall, find a parking spot, and all that other shit that pisses us off, is a thing of the past.  You can now pay your hydro bill, order some groceries, buy an undershirt, and pull your goalie to some international porn, without leaving the crib.   
 

Cupholders:  Lets just call this an in-car man purse.  We got all our shit in there...pens, change, gum, smokes, lighter, cell phone, rubbers, and occasionally, a coffee.  

Online Porn:  When you're needing a little love, it's now only a click away.  The bachelor once had to go to the seedy part of town to visit that theatre.  Eventually, quality film found it's way into his living room with the help of the home film projector, followed by the VCR, followed by the DVD player.  Now, you don't even have to leave the house to find some action. 

KC and the Sunshine Band - Shake Your Booty (live)

John Mellencamp - What If I Came Knocking (live)

Buddy Rocks

Air guitar and air drums gone wild at the Lynch Mob show!!!

Heavy Early "14 Camels" (live)

Hose 'er over!!!

Every so often, something dumb gets formulated in my head and heads straight to my mouth and out, before I can do anything about it.

The other day, I was heading to a show with Bonz, and in my much-practised backwoods voice, I blurted out, "Hose 'er over!!!"  Bonz spit out his coffee.  This saying is multi-faceted.  It may be used in almost any situation, and could mean just about anything that you want it to mean.

Here are some examples (please view the videos):


"When you get done with that, hose 'er over here."

"Hose 'er over so I can get by, would ya?"

"I'll get a pint of Keith's, and maybe you can hose 'er over an order of nachos, would ya?"

"The truck gave out on me so I had to hose 'er over til Darryl got here with his tools."

"Timmy, where's your mother at?  She hosed 'er over to the liquor store again, didn't she?"

"I'm all done doing my shit so I'll just hose 'er over until you get here."  

13 Ways to Ensure That You’re a Dick While Driving

1.  Do not disrupt your phone call.  Just merge, with no signal, and expect that everyone understands how important you are.  You've got the right of way.    

2.  Turn your stereo up as loud as possible and roll all your windows down.  You are a pimp with a reclined seat.

3.  Sit your ass in the passing lane when you aren't passing.  Make sure that you drive the same speed as the car in the lane next to you.  When you are a few metres from your exit, merge your sexiness all the way over.  Anyone honks, fuck 'em.  You've got the right of way.   

4.  While tying up the passing lane, feel free to engage in other activities, such as text messaging, yelling at your kids or picking your nose.  Slow yourself down to about 20 km/h below the speed limit, so that you may better focus on your activity.  

5.  You are about to miss a turn.  Stop immediately.  Wait for everyone to stop and figure out what the fuck you're doing.  Then make your turn.  Do not signal.  You've got the right of way.

6.  You just realized that you missed your turn.  Stop immediately and make a U-turn, regardless of anyone around you.  It's best to do this in an intersection where pedestrians and other vehicles are at greater risk of getting in your way.  You are the shit.  You have the right of way, especially if you drive a Range Rover or BMW.   

7.  Are you done with it?  Just toss it out the window.  Let the world be your garbage can.  God will take it away as easy as it was created.  

8.  Get the fattest, loudest exhaust system on that Civic and make sure you leave it running in front of your neighbour's house, while you grab a shit, shower and shave at 3 a.m.  Leave your loud girlfriend and her tow trucker mouth in the car, windows down, yapping on her cell and texting on her blackberry, while polluting the neighbour’s yard with cigarette butts.  This is an opportune time to show off your system and new subwoofers because your neighbours just wish they were as ballin’ as you.  Drive that bitch away like a Ferrari.  You have the right of way. 

9.  Always tailgate the car in front of you.  Make the fucker move over.  It's your lane.  Nobody drives in front of you.  One day you will be comfy in a Range Rover or BMW.  

10.  Unlike everyone else who is stuck in traffic, you don’t have time for it and you don’t enjoy it.  Use any on and off ramps, or shoulders, to move ahead of everyone else.  It’s okay because you are extremely important and have shit to do.  And, you have the right of way.  

      11. That “No Stopping” sign is for everyone but you.  Stop your ass wherever and whenever it’s most convenient for you, you ballin’ motha.  Just turn on your four-way flashers because you don’t want anyone rear-ending your BMW or Range Rover or C-class Mercedes.

      12. If another car signals to get into your lane, do not ease up on the accelerator.  Do whatever you can to make sure that car does not get in front of you.  You are a pimp and nobody disses you like that.

13.  You just got your license.  Pick up your buddies and drive around like you've been doing it all your life.  Annoy anyone who dares to pull up beside you.  Act like a bunch of idiots to let everyone know of your dick convention.  The world needs to know that the newest dick is now licensed.  



As evident in the photo below, though actual parking spots are about 20m away, you can make your own parking spot when you drive a Range Rover.  

  

The Divide

23 years of war, and after approximately 2 million deaths, we now have an independent North and South Sudan.  Thank God that it was between two "peaceful" religions.